Some people got into fatherhood in order to pass along the family name. Others because they felt the primal, human urge to pass along their legacy. Still others because their wife browbeat them into it. But not me.
I got into fatherhood for the pranking.
My theory is like this: kids come into this world innocent and trusting and full of love and the wonder of new life. Their mother teaches them love and care by showing them unconditional affection and by holding them and sheltering them from the callous winds of fate.
So it falls to a father to toughen them up. And since society frowns on putting a glove on your child's head, giving them a feather duster, and then sending them into a cockfight, you have to find less aerobic ways to teach children that the world is a harsh place.
Enter: the pranks.
I'm famous for my pranking around the house. Perhaps my most storied prank was the infamous Disneyworld Ice Bomb, where I dumped an entire bucket of ice over Victoria while she was in the shower, causing her to shriek so loudly that Mickey lost an eardrum.
For many years, William has been mildly jealous that, while pranked, he's never been pranked to the epic level of the Disney Ice Bomb. So the other day, while he was going to take a shower, he challenged me by saying "now dad, don't go throwing any ice water on my while I'm in the shower, okay?"
"I won't," I said. "I'll go melt some snow."
"That would be lovely," he said. "Thanks."
While he was showering, I prepared a batch of ice slurry to throw on him. Here were its ingredients:
-24 ice cubes
-1 pitcher of water
-5 drops black food coloring (yes, I have black food coloring)
-1 drop of vanilla (so it "smelled weird")
-1 handful of snow
I mixed everything but the snow together to get the water good and cold, then removed the ice cubes so he wouldn't see "prepared ice" in there and know it was fake (he's quite observant about such things). Then I tossed the snow in.
Then I ground pepper over the concoction, mixed it quick with a spoon, and it was ready to go. Why pepper, you ask? You'll see.
I snuck upstairs and heard William singing in the shower. Peering around the corner, I saw that he had his back to the door, the fool. Then I rushed in. Just as he realized I was there and began his shriek, I pounced!
BOOM! I dumped the whole thing out over him. He howled and cried and yelled, and he said:
"That was freezing! What was that?"
I replied: "You said you wanted ice water, but I didn't want to go outside and get all cold, so I just grabbed some snow out from under the van and melted it."
"You did not," he says. "If you did it would have crap in it and..."
Then he notices the black pepper dots all over his back, and inside the shower, and he goes: "YOU MANIAC! I can't believe you threw van water on me. That is so disgusting! What is wrong with you? You psychopath! Oh, this is so horrible. I got some in my mouth. Ptew! Ptew! OH GOD I GOT SOME IN MY MOUTH! I'm going to gag! Argh!"
And on, and on, and on, all while I was laughing my head off.
So he comes out of the shower, and he's still incensed. He went downstairs to his mother and thumps down angrily on the couch, steam pouring out of his ears.
"Do you know what your husband just did?" He says. "He dumped VAN WATER on me. I got some in my mouth!"
"I guess you need to be more careful about what you ask for. He didn't want to put on shoes to go outside, and that was technically snow, and you said you wanted snow, so he just went out to the garage and got some out from under the van."
(Disclosure: our garage is so cold that, yes, ice will last for days out under the van, the crusty brown stuff that accumulates when you drive around; so it was believable that I could go get some)
"That's just wrong!" he said. "It's sick! I can't believe that he did that, and you let him. To your only son!"
Finally I couldn't take any more, so I called him over and I said "Victoria, tell your brother what you saw."
"The truth?" she asked.
"Yes," I said. "The truth."
"I saw daddy,"
"Yes?" he asked.
"Get a bucket,"
"Yes?" he asked.
"And melt van ice in it and then throw it on you."
"Gross!"
"The real truth," I said.
"Oh, I think he peed in it, too," she said.
And that, friends, is why you prank your children to toughen them up: so they can pass along the gift of prank to others.
