How not to open Corned Beef

While we were shopping last week, I happened to stroll down the canned meat aisle looking for something to supplement my steady diet of vienna sausages and beef jerky.  I'm trying this diet (think of it as Atkins-like) where carbs are restricted and I can eat all the meat I want.  It's good for me - I like meat.

Lest you call me crazy, I've lost 5-6 pounds since I started eating like this.

So anyways, I'm looking for something to eat when I spy it: a can of Corned Beef. 

Many questions come to mind immediately: do I like corned beef?  What is corned beef?  Does it have corn in it?  Is it cornish?  Why is the tin a non-symmetrical shape?

But what sealed the deal for me was that the tin had a key on it to open it.  You know, like an old timey can, which I thought was awesome.  It didn't matter if I liked corned beef or not - I was gonna buy this and eat it.  Yee-haw!

Angela's deathly ill this week (she may not make it), so I had to make my own dinner tonight, so I went to the pantry and brought out - you guessed it - my corned beef.  Excitedly, I read the directions, which said "punch hole in top of can and twist key clockwise" with a picture and everything.

Punching the hole was no problem, and in seconds I had a ventilated top.

Next I put the key on, and started twisting.  And the stupid key snapped in half.  Right in half!

No problem, I thought.  I grabbed a pair of pliers, and in a second I had ahold of the little metal tab on the side of the can.  In a few seconds, I had...ripped the rest of the tab off the side.

With my loving family laughing and pointing, I had no choice but to grab the can opener and open the can manually.  No problem, right?

WRONG!  I got the first side of the can open, but as I was navigating the angle on the can top, there was a very loud CRACK and POW and the handle of the can opener exploded and sent plast shards everywhere, including into Angela's face (which is not good for your marriage).

The can opener had been destroyed.

I went and fetched a screwdriver, a hammer, and all my best cursewords, because there was no way that I was going to allow this can to beat me.  And five minutes and six thousand swear words later, I had the can of corned beef open, and I plopped it out onto my plate.

"Gross!" said one child.  "It looks like dog food!"

You know what?  It didn't really.  Dog food looks much more appetizing.  Probably tastes better, too.

That stuff was disgusting. 

So to sum up: after one destroyed can opener and a lot of time, I discovered I don't like corned beef, and I still don't know what it is, and I also feel kind of queasy.

I think I'm going to stick to the vienna sausages, whose pop top always works.